And that’s why it still hurts.

It hurts because you didn’t see it coming. It hurts because it was sudden. It hurts because you thought you were stronger, better than that. It hurts because it was magical — or so you thought it was.

So don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re still not over what happened. Don’t think yourself stupid just because you’re still sad that it’s gone. It hurts because it mattered. It hurts because it was promising. But remember that nothing is ever too broken to be fixed, not even your heart. 

To the person I never thought I’d lose, I’m really sorry that it did not turn out the way we wanted it to be (or us to be). I’m really sorry if I gave up on you that easily.

I apologize for the hurt I have caused you, for all the times we wasted on fights and pointless arguments, that led us to eventually ending our relationship.

To you, the person I have loved, I don’t think it is possible to unlove you, for what we shared is extraordinary. All of the odds were against us, but we still fought to be together.

We pictured, and drew how we wanted our forever together, but instead of making them come true, we decided to shred them into pieces.

The one I loved, whom I thought of marrying someday, whom I wanted to have kids with, and the person I used to imagine sharing the front porch view with, I never expected that I would lose you in this lifetime.

I wish we had the chance to talk it out. But we opted to walk out that door without looking back again – you did not want to hear my explanation, you did not want to see my face. I tried apologizing so many times. I tried to pick up where we left off. I attempted to fix that broken glass door, but you slammed it in my face and I was wounded every time it shattered.

I no longer know what moving forward is, for years I tried, at least I think I did. I added every brick, every day, around my heart, to protect it from hurt. And with those bricks, I was able to build walls too high that my heart could not escape. I felt safe inside the hollow it provided. And then one day, it collapsed on me. It collapsed on me that all of the hard work I exerted to protect this beating heart inside was just, gone. It collapsed on me just like the glass door of trust I tried to stick together. It fell on me as memories I thought I have forgotten.

It was worse than dying. But fate wanted me to suffer so I lived.

To that person I used to call mine, I do not know how and when I could really say I have moved on. For I am still staying in a relationship that ended a long time ago. But this stupid heart will always have a place for you, that one person I have loved without condition.

Things weren’t easy. Things didn’t end easily. Things still aren’t easy. I love you in every shade of gray that there is in the world, I just can’t be with you

The Hardest Part

And The Hardest Part
Was Letting Go, Not Taking Part
Was The Hardest Part

And The Strangest Thing
Was Waiting For That Bell To Ring
It Was The Strangest Start

I Could Feel It Go Down
Bittersweet, I Could Taste In My Mouth
Silver Lining The Cloud
Oh And I
I Wish That I Could Work It Out

And The Hardest Part
Was Letting Go, Not Taking Part
You Really Broke My Heart

And I Tried To Sing
But I Couldn´t Think Of Anything
And That Was The Hardest Part

I Could Feel It Go Down
You Left The Sweetest Taste In My Mouth
You´re A Silver Lining The Clouds
Oh And I
Oh And I
I Wonder What It´s All About
I Wonder What It´s All About

Everything I Know Is Wrong
Everything I Do, It´s Just Comes Undone
And Everything Is Torn Apart

Oh And It´s The Hardest Part
That´s The Hardest Part
Yeah That´s The Hardest Part
That´s The Hardest Part

You think that maybe, just maybe, it’s possible you two will eventually come together.
Why We Hold On Tightest To The Things That Aren’t Meant For Us

I used to wonder how you let go of the things that are killing you, when it feels like it would kill you to let go. How you decide between “if things are meant to be, they will be” and “if you want it, you have to go get it.”

I think we hold on tightest to the things that aren’t meant for us because at some level, we know they aren’t really ours. We’re always seeking the love we know we don’t have. We’re always trying to prove the things that are not entirely self-evident.

We know that when we stop thinking and talking and racking through the details again and again, it will really be over. When all that exists is an idea, holding on is the only way to keep it.

Because letting go has little to do with giving somebody permission to leave our lives, or declare that they don’t love us anymore, or walk away for good, and everything to do with accepting that they already have.

I don’t know about fate. But I do know the things that are ours don’t require us to mentally and emotionally latch onto them to remain. That the best things are never forced, are never created out of ultimatum, never leave us reeling and questioning them for months or years at a time.

I do know that you cannot prove how much you love by how much you’re pained over loss. That you do not prove your character by how well you can convince other people you’re doing the right thing.

And I do know that it’s never the love that hurts you, it’s the attachment to the idea of what it’s supposed to be and how long it’s supposed to be it for. I do know that we will never be able to find real love unless we learn to detach from what it should be. I do know that we’re never going to find true happiness until we do the same. I do know that nothing here lasts, and the idea that it does is an illusion — we eventually lose everything, every last thing we have and are and own.

So the point isn’t what we lose, but what we had in the first place. We aren’t meant to attain things like bullet points on a resume, we’re supposed to go through them and let them go through us.

Some love teaches us what it has to teach us in a month. Some a lifetime. Neither is more important than the other.

The things that are meant for us are the things that force us to stop seeking an external light, but to start becoming it. The things that are meant for us are trying and joyous and beautiful and excruciating. They’re the things we don’t think about.

The things we don’t have to hold on tightly to make happen. 

Poder decir adiós, es crecer
Gustavo Cerati
Y te quería decir que eso que me dijiste al final, de que sabía que iba a tener un amigo cuando lo necesite, para serte sincera, es algo que no creo que pase.
Porque si estando juntos no estuviste cuando más te necesite, y te sigo necesitando, no creo que en un futuro llegues a estar tampoco. 
the point of forgiveness isn’t for the other individual, but for yourself.
A pesar de todo, te diré que es mejor no tomar decisiones tajantes tan pronto. Por que en este mundo no existen los absolutos
Sakura, Kafka en la orilla
Término en portugués que expresa un sentimiento afectivo primario, próximo a la melancolía, estimulado por la distancia temporal o espacial a algo amado y que implica el deseo de resolver esa distancia.